When Life Crumbles

Today was a fairly nice day.. Till tonight that is.. It seems every time I get something nice, or something good happens to me, something horrible happens in the same day to make me cry. It never fails.

Today seemed like any other. Playing on the computer and my Nintendo DS. Although as soon as my sis got home, things were different as she did not ask to play the game. I think though it was because she wanted to watch The Chronicles of Riddick which we had rented from Netflix and not yet watched it. It didn't bother me though. She has every right not to play and I had other ways to entertain myself.

My mom texted me before my sis had even gotten home telling me she had a surprise for me and asked that I not let her forget when she said she was on her way. Luckily I did not have to remind her as Leighanna was talking to her as she left so she remembered. I was really happy as she had brought home some chicken and rice from Bonzai Garden, my favorite restaurant in town. I didn't eat all of it so it meant I could have the rest for lunch tomorrow. After I ate, we went to watch the Chronicles of Riddick. It was a good movie, though I really couldn't grasp most of the plot.

After that I returned to my room, content to play on my computer and play Pokemon. My mom came to my room to tell me a warning about something with Farmville and I took care if making sure it didn't affect me. Though none of these things is what I title this post after. No it is really what came after when my mom spoke with my dad. I do not want to get into the details here in case there are those outside the family reading, but in the end it seems my parents may be forced to devorce. If my mom is reading she will likely be upset I even wrote that much but I am rather upset right now and I need to talk it out here whether there is anyone reading these writings or not. Not that I will ever have any trouble remembering this bitter event. Now it's not a given that this will happen but things do not seem to be improving and she keeps mentioning that even though she very much does not want to, and I believe her, that she may not have any other choice than to do so.

Honestly, for so long I had prided myself that I was a child of parents still together as many people I knew had divorced parents and I knew that even though my parents fought sometimes, they always reassured me divorce would never happen. I do not think of them as liars for this as I do not think my mom could have ever predicted such an outcome as she never desired it and I do not think of her any less. I may be stupid for having prided myself on something like that but it made me feel good. Even all this time that this rift has been here since November I have acted in such a way that I was bothered very little about it all. I think it is because any time my parents fought, they always resolved the issue and no harm was ever done. And so even though this time was vastly different, my heart still held the hope that things would mend in time. I am certain that I felt bothered because I was confident God would fix this. If things do not mend, I will of course not be angry with God though I will be sad that he chose to let it happen, but I will not think of him any less as I'm sure whatever he chooses to happen will be for the better.. For someone at least. I just hope things will turn around soon as I am finally starting to lose hope.

I officially apologize to my mother if she so happens to read this and is upset by my doing so but I felt the need to write it here as I consider this place more like a diary than a journal, despite that it is public although if I find the need to change the nature of this blog then I may just do so. Please do not get me wrong by anything written here. I love my mother very much and nothing mentioned here makes me think any less of her. I just wish things could be better.. But after events of this magnitude, nothing could ever be the same again. This is the longest I've ever been without my dad around and I have gotten used to it. Not that I like it but because of his absence I have become fearful of his presence, so even if he did come back, I would likely be uncomfortable for a time. Although I do very much wish him to return, for my mother's sake.

I feel recently like my life is completely falling apart now. Perhaps that is why I have buried myself in my machines where I can keep myself in a place far from reality and kept so busy I don't have to think about reality. I understand this is not healthy but I've never been exposed to this amount of stress before and it's all I can do to cope with the pain. Hey, it's better than going out and doing drugs or something right? Lots better. Right now I'll be crying over this, but surely by tomorrow it will recede from my mind and my tears will dry. It seems I am only affected by this saddness when my mom mentions something about the possiblity of divorce. I guess because my mind rejects the idea and it only seems a reality when it is currently or recently being discussed. I cannot imagine things getting much worse than they are now. I guess I shouldn't really say that as they just might get worse. It's these kinds of things that sap my will do to anything constructive and makes me retreat within a mental shield. I just cannot handle how my life has changed. It is far from desirable but I do not wish to die to get away from it and I surely could not bring myself to do myself in. That is a good thing though as it means I am ensured I am not a danger to my well being.

Anyway. I think I'm going to go now. It's surprising how much I can end up typing when I'm in such a somber mood and am not content enough to complain about writing my blog and thus writing it up as short as possible so I can get on with something else. I am only leaving now as I have little to nothing left to say nor do I have the desire to mull it over much longer. I'd like to bury myself in fantasy now and try not to think of the horrible inevitable.

Good night all. Hopefully next time I will have a bit more cheery day to write about. For both of our sakes.